


Not all new things are shiny.

by BlackLeatherBoots



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, Drama, Drug Use, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Mystery, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Rehabilitation, mythpunk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:55:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24660412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackLeatherBoots/pseuds/BlackLeatherBoots
Summary: Adopted elven teen Cecilia Trevelyan will have to hide her real identity from everyone at the prestigious Divine Justinia's Academy. Cece will have one last chance to make things right in a new high school or juvie is ahead. In the meantime, something far more sinister is happening in the school, and Cecilia will unexpectedly get involved because of a mistake by nonother than the football captain Cullen Rutherforf, in the turmoil ahead and uncover a deep conspiracy that casts a shadow over the school and the prestigious institution.
Relationships: Female Lavellan/Cullen Rutherford
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

The small child looked out of the window. Time had passed and the destination didn’t seem with any intention of showing up any time soon. Fiddling with her thoughts she was trying to pinpoint the last time she had been inside of one of these metallic hallas. She couldn’t remember. Resting her forehead against the glass and curling up to the blanket around her small body. Her left ear pulsating with pain, the soggy bandage around the wound was so annoying. 

**“Honey? Are you ok?” -** said the nice lady with long locks. 

The child smiled and softly noted as she continued saying 

**“I’m glad darling… I knew this day would come where I could finally protect you. The day I met you in the Elven Alienage, I understood a feeling people had described to me for years; something we grownups call a “mother’s instinct”. For years that seem completely unrelated to me, I had dedicated my life to helping those who needed me. In my heart, I was devoted to helping all the children in the world, and that was enough. But you know baby girl…” —** holding her hand tightly **— “I couldn’t have been more wrong, I wasn’t supposed to be a mother to all the children, I was supposed to be your mom and your mom only.”** \- her voiced crack at small pearls started falling down her eyes. The child had never seen anything so beautiful before. 

________

*alarm goes off* 

*snooze*

*alarm goes off* 

The girl opens her eyes and proceeds to furiously throw her banana alarm clock against the wall, it had it coming anyway for being so stupid looking - she thought as she went to sleep again.

**“ Cece! Honey, breakfast is ready, come down so we can at least share one meal together, your father’s waiting…” -** called out her mom from downstairs. 

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! She said opening her eyes and realizing how late she actually was. She basically catapulted her way out of bed, running toward the stairs and howled from upstairs. 

**“I’m so so sooooorrryyy, I overslept! The banana clock was unplugged from the wall… I’m sorry no time for breakfast…”**

Taking a quick shower, she ran back to her room dripping water in the marble floors. She stared at her new intricate uniform hanging next to the mirror in her room, then she stared at the scars all over her belly and her small delicate figure trembling. Her long orange locks soaked against her skin, showing a peak of the vallaslin her owner inflicted on her when she was a child in a drunken whim. Usually, she’d carry her vallaslin with an unapologetic aura just fuck with her relatives, but today… as she was about to be dropped in a pool of dickheads and racists… she wouldn’t be able to bear it. 

Not because she wouldn’t stand up for herself, but because this was her last chance… the one last stop before juvie. If this failed, she was gonna be royally fucked… the point of no return and the chance for relatives to force her parents to cut ties with her. After all, she had always been a problem child of tainted blood that the Trevelyan Kin didn’t want in their precious family tree. 

After drying her bangs and making sure her right ear was properly hidden, she did her last uniform check. Blazer, bow tie, skirt, long knee socks… - Oh great now I look more like an underage prostitute - she thought to herself. She laughed thinking about how Jorah would’ve liked that joke so much, and the sadness in her heart started screaming. She exhaled and prepare to flee. 

Quietly and holding her shoes in one hand, she started going down the back stairs into the kitchen. There Harding and Sera, the ground keepers were unloading her findings from the farmer’s market that morning. 

**“OH Hellooo early biiirrrd” -** said Sera sarcastically as she glared at Cece with arms crossed

**“I know!! Haha, I just couldn’t wake up today to the market you know how much I love seeing you guys choosing vegetables and fruit… Honestly, the highlight of my existence is kinda depressing if you think about it. I'm sorry…” -** said Cecelia as she wrapped her arms around Sera’s neck 

**“You know how my wife gets when she gets stood up…”** chimed Harding she pecked Sera’s cheek from the other side - **“but I also know she can’t be mad for long at either of us! Next time just let us know when you’re not coming cause with the spare sear on the truck we can always use a hand.”** she finished smiling and continuing her chores

**“I’m so sorry girls, you know it’s not on purpose but I’ll be better… but now I really need to move soooo I can hide from my parents. Love you!!”** said Cecilia as she left the kitchen straight into the garage. 

She got in her old loyal black car and pushed the gate door. Slowly as the gate of the garage started pulling up, her parents where standing in the drive way with a camera. 

**“Mom, can you be any more creepy, please? I really need some material for my blog…** ” yelled Cecilia out of her car waving out the window. 

As soon as her car left the gates of the state, she felt at ease again. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her parents, as a matter of fact, she was so grateful to them; she couldn’t even entertain the idea that one day she would be able to pay them back. “Remember, you’re a Trevelyan my dear, and we are not pushovers or impolite.”Her father’s word echoing in the back of her head. 

“It might be a problem I’m not an actual Trevelyan”whispering to herself as she looked for her rolled joint in the glove compartment of her car. Sparking the joint and blasting her music, she realized even if she was already late she couldn’t bring herself to drive any faster. As the rode quickly head into the city, she stared at her face for a few seconds in the rear mirror; she needed to be in the right mindset for all the glaring and whispering to come once she got to campus. Stopping at a red light, she looked to the left; only to meet a pair of honey piercing eyes. His red SUV shinned under the morning light, and she toked the joint as hard as she could look straight into his face and drove off as soon as the light turned green. 

Chuckling to herself, she entered the school parking lot. Most cars looked new, shiny, and expensive, especially next to hers, which she had bought herself. Cece took one last long look in the mirror, put on lip balm and some eye drops, it was showtime. To her, it was pretty obvious she was gonna have a hard time at this school and looking at all the students it was even more clear than before. Scanning the crowd who was clearly already on their way to class, she noted how she wouldn’t really fit in any of the cliques before her eyes. 

As she walked towards the school doors, a group of three beautiful women walked by. A stunning trio wearing leather jackets with the school colors, red and gold. A darker-skinned beautiful girl seemed to lead the other two, who quickly and effectively dismissed her existence and gave a long glare while laughing right at her; “The fuck is wrong with these people” she thought to herself. For a second, she hesitated taking three steps back. “I could always ditch it, compared to this, Juvie doesn’t seem like such a bad idea,” she thought.

A concussion of paper, binders, and pencils around her as she directly walked into someone or something. On the floor underneath all the clutter, **“** Maybe there is such a thing as being too high on your first day.” she thought.

**“Are you okay?”** \- said a helping hand. 

**“Yeah, yeah… I’m sorry for being such a spazz.”** \- she muttered standing up, only to find the same honey eyes from before. 

**“Oh shit! I’m so sorry!”** He cracked a half-smile without holding her hand. **“It’s okay, don’t worry. I know a thing or two about being clumsy”** he finished saying as he scratched the back of her neck visible uncomfortable. 

**“Yeah well, I guess no toking and walking for me”** she winked. **“New life motto I suppose then. I’m Cullen”** -he smiled as his hand still lingered in hers.

**“I’m Cecilia, nice to meet you. I’ll see you around”** she pulled herself away from him and quickly walked away. 

Cece needed to register on the principal’s office to receive her schedule. An old woman sitting in reception commanded her to sit and wait. Since she had been late, the principal had already started the tour of the school for the other two transfer students like her. Mother Giselle seemed rather pissed at her for being late, and there was nothing more annoying to Cecilia than someone being condescending. 

**“New here?”** \- said a boy sitting next to her with a smile - **“Name is Dorian and you are?”**

**“Cecilia, but you can call me Cece”** she smiled back at him, he looks trustworthy. 

**“Well, we have that in common, people call me a sissy all the time”** he joked. 

**“I like you,”** said Cece smirking at him - **“Are you waiting for a tour as well?”**

**“Well not really, I was sent here because one of the Mother’s found my stash,”** he said with exaggerated gestures - **“You know like I gave a fuck about it, I have another stash under the bleachers. Wanna go get it? Tell me Cece are you a bad apple?”**

**“Oh Dorian, I’m the worst apple of them all,”** she said wiggling her eyebrow.

**“Follow my lead and please don’t fuck it up,”** he said grabbing her by the hand and before she could even stop it she was standing in front of Mother Giselle again.

**“Hey Mama G,”** said Dorian **“You see I was supposed to give this student right here a tour of the school and it wasn’t until I started chatting with this young lady here that I realized it was she I had been waiting all this time…You know I’m part of the Welcoming Committee here at our glorious institution so it would…”.**

**“Okay, Okay I get it… Go show her around…”** said Mother Giselle interrupting Dorian almost as if she was sick of him and dismissing them both with a wave of the hand not even looking up.

**“We can always count on grown-ups being incompetent at their jobs, I’ve come to believe it’s an advantage,”** said Dorian 

He led her through the empty halls of the school. They stopped by his locker to drop Cece’s blazer and bag. At the end of the locker hall, she could catch a glimpse of the football field. Green and breathing, almost whispering a tale that was old and people had forgotten. They sat under the bleachers, as the sun above sneaked golden rays between the cracks.The breeze caressed her cheek as Dorian lit up the joint he had on himself.

**“So, is this your morning routine?”** she asked toking on the joint. 

**“You could say that,”** said Dorian looking at his nails 

**“Skipping class suits me what can I say. Honestly being an exchange student releases me from the staff actually giving a fuck about what I do with my time”** he smiled. 

**“Where are you from Dorian?”** she asked passing the joint back to him. 

**“Didn’t my awesomeness gave me away? I’m Tevinter, here on a Chantry boarding school program. Which really isn’t that bad. When they sent me here…”** his expression changing for a few seconds **“ I was furious. How could my own family sent me here to be shackled and literally pray away the gay? It was hell. But when I got here I realized my parents had given me freedom without even realizing it. Now all I do is roam around town and smoke. Swearing to the sisters I feel less gay every day, therefore I can do what I want.”**

**“That sounds pretty fucked up…”** she said with a grim look **“I love it”** she smirked as they both start laughing.

**“Yeah, it’s kinda messed up… but sure is better than being back in Tevinter. And what the fuck are you doing here? Judging by your transfer in the middle of the year, the black nail polish and killer long capacity; I’m guessing… court order?”.**

**“Well, since you’ve been so honest with me…”** \- she hesitated for a moment - **“This is my last chance out of Juvie; my parents managed to pull some strings and well here I am.”**

**“I knew it! Who are your parents? Maybe they looking to adopt a sexy and eloquent young man”** said Dorian very intrigued. 

**“Well, my parents are Kenneth and Dalya Trevelyan…”** she whispered containing Dorian’s scandalous reaction **“ Hold your horses, I’m not really their kid. I was adopted when I was 9. My mom can’t bear children and well we met while she was volunteering at the orphanage. My last name is… actually Lavellan.”**

**“YOU skinny bitch”** exclaimed Dorian taking his hands to the air. 

**“What?”** she replied with a harsh tone and ready to throw a punch.

**“That’s why you’re so petite, it’s because you’re an elf. How sweet of you!”** he smiled back at her holding her fist in his hand. 

**“In my head, this went a lot different. Figured you’d stop talking to me. You of all people. Your parents probably own tons of elven servitude.”** she said stoically as she released her fist from his hand. 

**“You realize I’m an outsider in my own family too, don’t you?”** he replied with a serious tone that seemed very unlike him. **“When you grow up around people who are trying to force you into something you’re not, you learn to accept others for who they are. Even if that is a terrible person or an elf. I learned to sympathize because rejection came to me from a very early age. Dorian was never the boy he was supposed to be.”** he looked up and said. **“I always thought, beyond that roof that holds you down there is a sky ready to see you fly. And so I did. I flew and became awesome and authentic only for others to reject me even more. But in doing so I made sure my inner circle is trustworthy and real.”**

She stutter… **“Thanks. I appreciate it. I’m sorry for assuming anything.”**

**“Oh never mind dear”** Dorian replied, **“But anyways behold the man candy…”**

The hoard of athletes started coming into the field, carrying equipment and a _“don’t fuck with me attitude”_. Cece was able to catch a glimpse of blonde hair that seemed familiar. 

**“Who is that Dorian?”** she asked. 

**“Oh that my dear is Mr.Cullen Rutherford, non-other than the commander of this team. You have the hots for him?”** he replied with a funny look in his face. 

**“He might have caught me smoking on the way here… he is pretty hot tho…”** she said toking on the joint. 

“ **He taken tho, by the fabulously mean Vivian DeFer… you shouldn’t get in her way… she’s a bitch”** said Dorian taking a big toke. 

**“I won’t get in her way… I was just very curious”** she replied nonchalantly. Deep down she felt something in her stomach falling, she thought they connected for a second. 

Watching the practice was fun, every now and then she would look back at Cullen only to smile a little to herself. He kept encouraging his teammates to push forward and stop at nothing. His resolve seemed strong. Once the practice was done, they walked back through the main hall. She couldn’t help but to look at all the pictures hanging on the walls. The magnificent portrayals of the important figures that had once roam those same holes. Even her parents hang among those distinguished people, young and happy. Then it dawn on her, what would happen to her once they were gone. There was no chance her cousins would let her keep anything, much less be a part of the family. Once they were gone she was gonna be an orphan again. She needed to come to terms with eventually being an orphan again. They reached the back of the building where two doors that read “Empress Celine’s Auditorium” seem to hold a new beginning for her. 

**“Excuse me, Professor Dagna, I bring to you a new student along with your favorite one for this amazing senior class.”** \- said Dorian excusing them both - **“This young lady here is Cecilia Trevelyan and she will be joining our senior class.”** Professor Dagna stopped writing on the board and turned around. 

**“Oh welcome we’re glad you’re both joining our class… finally!”** sarcastically delivering with a pleasant smile **“Cecilia can take the third seat next to the window and Dorian please sit down.”**

She walked between the lines of desks feeling glares on the back of her eyes. Once she sat down she realized two things. First she had nothing on her, no bag, no books, nothing; and second who was sitting next to her but Cullen. She started sweating and desperately started looking for Dorian’s eye line in the other side of the classroom to no success. She look straight forward and then at her hands.

On the corner of her eye, a friendly hand offered a notepad and pen. “You can use this” - whispered Cullen- “It’s your first day after all.” He then turned his attention back to the lectures. Cece couldn’t help but accept the favor, wish she reluctantly accept but not without cracking a little smile to herself. The lesson went by quickly and so did the rest of the day, almost in a haze she could barely remember. Eventually, she got her things back from Dorian’s locker and they even exchanged numbers. She couldn’t believe she actually made a friend. 

She drove home in silence that afternoon; toking on her joint, entertaining her thoughts with the past and the future alike. As soon as she passed the state’s gate, the weight that had been over her shoulder was gone. Nobody had questioned her about here she comes from, other than Dorian that is. She needed to keep her shameful secret from everyone else for her sake. Nothing was more heartbreaking than being less than what her parents deserved. 

**“How was today Cece?”** \- her mom greeted her as she entered the living room - **“Did you have fun?”**.

Cecilia walked towards the couch and into an embrace of her mom holding a book.

**“I actually did you know. Wasn’t as bad… made a friend.”** she said resting her head on her mother’s shoulder and curling up around her. 

**“See, it wasn’t half as bad as you thought it would be love. We’re both hoping this works for you…”** said her mom kissing her forehead and running a hand through her hair. 

**“I’ll take a shower and join you later for dinner once dad gets home. Love you, Mom.”**

She walked through the golden halls of her house, feeling as out of place as she felt a school. She’d never really felt part of anything for as long as she could remember. Dropping her uniform on her bedroom floor, she braided her hair and decided to go outside for some air. The sun was coming down as she sat on the tree near the main gate. Of all the trees, that's the one she loved the most, the one she planted when she got home for the very first time. So many hidden memories in the back of her brain. Scars on her skin. Her parents offered to get help, to find someone to get rid of those scars, fix her ears… but it had been too many years too late. As those deep wounds were engraved in her soul many years before her mother found her in the Alienage.

*crack* something had cracked in the grass beneath her. 

**“FUCK,”** she thought.


	2. The boy who should've cried wolf.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is an outsider who was accepted into the elite. But it wasn't until he ran across the redhead Cecilia that he remembered he was indeed an outsider and just a pun to the game.

Cullen was so tired that morning. Every practice meant pushing harder than everyone else, his role as captain was the most important thing he had. It was the first thing to ever make him feel normal again after the hospital. The routine the team brought to his life had kept him sane during the whole year. He had been reluctant, boarding school wasn’t exactly his cup of tea but he needed to find purpose again. After all, he’d always followed the rules and what that had gotten him where he was. “I just need an honest purpose again and it will all make sense,” he thought. 

When she entered the classroom, his eyes instantly tried to find hers. It seemed like a coincidence and Cullen didn’t believe in chance or luck, there were only actions. But for a second, he allowed himself to doubt his conviction. After that morning, their interaction had stayed with him, the refreshing demeanor which she behaved was intoxicating. Clumsy and yet tough, just the sight of her was alluring. It had been a long time since anything had caught his attention in that way. She reminded him of Ferelden. The strong country folk and the honest life after the war had ended. Cecelia was reminiscing of something he knew, and that alone was comforting. 

He followed her steps in between the desks, as she looked at the floor and took a seat next to him. Looking from the corner of his eye, he would catch a glimpse of the red locks hanging from her back and her long slim neck taking him out of balance. She seemed too alive. He’d offer help and no chance for her to deny him. Spacing out and looking at the window she didn’t seem to care about the lecture. To be honest, neither did him. How was he supposed to focus with a magnet pulling towards him? 

*brrp* his cellphone 

**“Babe wanna come over 2night - Viv”**

He stared at the screen for a few good seconds and then put it back in his pocket. “What the fuck is all this?” he said to himself. It had been so obvious for him and Vivienne to become an item, so natural that he didn’t even question the events as they unfolded; she had always been the one to make their decision as a couple, not because he was a pushover but he didn’t care about the halls politics. Besides, he was sure Vivienne had been cheating on him for at least the last few months. He never understood why Viv could dump him and make things easier but she was another chip in her game. 

Cullen had entertained the idea of dumping her but honestly, he was afraid. Afraid of being by himself, he’d rather be in the shit if it meant he wouldn’t be alone. That's why he would give in onto Vivienne’s whims and orders, cause even if it was shit it was something familiar. Until that morning, he hadn’t found anything familiar in Orlais. 

After class had ended, she was nothing but a shadow taking off along with the other transfer student. Maybe they knew each other from before. He followed her steps out of the class, as a strange force took over him, keeping enough distance for her not to notice him. “Now I’m also a stalker,” he thought to himself as he irrationally continued striding after her. He even walked past his locker when a familiar touch grabbed his shoulder. 

**“What makes you believe you have the right to ignore me, Cullen?”** \- she said furiously close to his face

**“Hmmm… Sorry, Viv, my phone is dead. I need to head home and run some errands, but promise I’ll text you later…”** \- he said releasing himself from her grasp 

Cullen could hear an angry girlfriend from afar, but it was already too late to give a damn. Every student pushing in different directions and the number of people made him feel uneasy. His hard pumping and his forehead sweating as he lost sight of the red locks. Shortness of breath and the urge to scream began to seem unbearable as his sight began to tunnel. He could feel the panic as it took hold of his body, but he needed to keep it under control. Not here and not now, he had plenty of time to freak once he got home.

Cullen had only one objective, to catch up with the black pick up truck. “What the actual fuck am I doing? I don’t even have an excuse… to present myself at her door…” he told himself as he pressed down the accelerator. On the passenger seat, his girlfriend’s blazer staring back at him. He needed an excuse, and he had found one. His panic both intensified and released at the same time as the Trevelyan state appeared on the horizon. 

He parked his car a few feet away from the main gate. Holding the steering wheel tightly he asked himself again “What the fuck am I doing?” Looking at himself in the eye he wiped the sweat from his face and got off the car. Cullen was instantly petrified once his feet touched the ground, Cecilia had just emerged above the wall surrounding the state. Sitting on a tree branch wearing a white camisole and her long red hair braided down her back. She looked so ethereal and peaceful… but so familiar that it made him uneasy. Cullen needed to figure this out, he needed to know why. He started stepping towards her with his eyes locked on her up the tree. Holding the blazer in his right hand he stepped over a branch. 

*CRACK*

**“What the fuck are you doing here?”** she yelled from the tree with an uneasy tone. 

**“Well… you dropped your blazer… I think is yours found it next to my seat…”** he said nervously scratching his neck. 

Its suddenly just hit him, two things became incredibly obvious to him. First, he had just said the stupidest shit ever holding a blazer that didn’t bellow to the tiny slender figure in front of him. Second, as the redhead was walking towards him he remembered. Cullen knew this girl, that's why she was so familiar. Could it be she was the kid they try to lynch near his town when he was a kid? Could it be? No, it definitely couldn’t be possible, the little girl had died. 

In a quick movement, he dropped the blazer to the floor and grabbed Cecilia by the waist against him, and with his other hand he pushed her bangs only to reveal the scar emulating a vallaslin on her forehead; those grey eyes started hazing with tears and gushing rage. It was so obvious, it had been her. The little girl they humiliated in front of the Chantry for stealing a relic. Her owner made sure she would never forget her place in the world and so he grabbed a knife of his pocket and started cutting the little girl's ear while everyone stood around them in the middle of the square. Nobody intervened or moved a muscle as they all witness the show. That’s when he began carving on her forehead, as Mia started pulling Cullen out of the crowd. All he could hear were the screams fading as his sister insisted they should leave. That memory hunted him since he was a child, like a memory stuck in the back of your brain that you couldn’t make out. 

**“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”** screamed Cece with a tear running down her cheeks and punching his chin so hard it made him dizzy

**“I knew it!”** he exclaimed without thinking 

**“What psycho?”** she continued **“Yes, I’m a fucking elf. You happy racist motherfucker? Did you bitch sent you whipped Mabari?”**

**“What? No… no! - Wait a minute… I’m not whipped… Forget it!”**

**“Then… What? You followed me here only to bullshit me with that blazer you creep. It’s not even mine because I wasn’t wearing mine today…”**

**“I followed you because you remind me of my hometown…”** he said analyzing whether or not to tell her the truth. **“And, for your information, I’m not a racist… not even Orlesian. I come from Ferelden, Honneleath…”**

**“Oh… Sorry. I grew up around the area in an orphanage.”** she said trying to contain her rage and lowering her eyes to the floor. **“What will you do with this information you’ve obtained? Tell everyone?”**

**“It’s not like that… It’ll be our secret. Friends keep each others secrets.”** he replied searching for her eye line

**“I guess that works for both of us. People won't’ hear I’m an elf and they won’t know you’re a stalker”** she said cracking a half-smile and wiping tears off her face. 

He’d never seen eyes like those before. It wasn’t just her beauty, but something about her that seemed to pull him towards Cecilia. Her face was slightly blotchy and tears were running down her cheeks, he couldn’t do anything else but kiss her. The eye contact was so penetrating he put his hand on her cheek. Slowly he started to bring her mouth closer guided by his hold on the back of her neck. At first, their kiss was gently and distant, but it lingered. I lingered until it became more intimate, he then picked her slender body in his arms and lost himself in her mouth. 


	3. Following an Instinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their encounter escalated quickly but where would it lead. Cecilia will be surprised when she realizes she wasn't as in control as she thought.

Cecilia was giving in, what was happening? What the hell was she thinking? There was something about the curly blonde that she couldn’t resist. No one had ever looked at her in the way he did. Abruptly she cut off their kiss only to find a pair of honey-colored eyes piercing directly to her. **“That’s more than enough.”** she thought as she decided to leap. She would trust herself to feel and let things happen. She brought her mouth close to her ear and whispered **“Let’s get into your car and light up this joint”**.

Cullen put her down and opened the front door for her, but Cecilia promptly closed the door and instead went in the back of the car. She pulled the collar of his shirt to bring him towards her and inside the car. Once he was on top she caressed his back softly and Cullen seemed to be more relaxed. She could think of a hundred reasons why she should stop but Cecilia enjoyed the free fall. 

He was exploring her body, her neck, and then his hand cupping her breast. The hand continued to travel down the curve of her waist. She didn’t necessarily consider sex as something “sacred” or “evil”, for her it was a natural thing. She had always gotten everything she had because men desired her and she felt she could take advantage of it. Sex was part of life and made her feel in control of her own life. She could indulge her whims because at least that was the thing she could control. She’d learned people rarely wanted anything but sex. Cece knew she could get what she wanted. 

As Cullen continued caressing her body to his ear she whispered **“I’m not wearing any underwear”**. Immediately all his body tensed up again, that was the line that got to him. 

He stopped their kiss and look straight ahead **“Why are you doing this to me? Is it fun?”** Cullen agitated. Almost regretting what was happening. She pushed and curl herself while he pushed his body.

**“No, I can’t do this. I have a girlfriend…”** he continued.

**“I think it is kinda late for that…Why did you kiss me?”**

**“I didn’t kiss you to have sex with you in my back seat I can tell you that?”** he snapped at her his eyes enraged and his voice piercing

**“I mean…”** she stopped afraid just for a second **“You’re right. I may have escalated the situation; I must’ve misread your intentions, did I?”** she said looking down again.

**“I think you need to get out of my car,”** he said with a tusk tone

**“Well, no need to be an asshole. I said I should’ve known better. Silly me for expecting anything from a boy toy.”** she snarked back at him opening his car door and running franticly back home. 

Running barefoot in the dark, the grass and sticks piercing her feet. The cold breeze hitting her cheeks and the warm acid of her tears as she kept pushing through the shit. The bittersweet emotions still on her lips, the delicious pleasure from pain. It wasn’t like Cullen was the first man to ever reject her and it certainly wouldn’t be the last either. But the way his gaze shifted in a second, almost undetectable to the naked eye. Just as if he was waking up from a trance, and the worst was she couldn’t stop thinking of the first look he gave her. 

Once she climbed the wall, she slowed down her pace. The joint that was never lit in her camisole’s pocket. She climbed back to her room and sat on the window. The red SUV still parked on the side of the road. **“What the fuck is he waiting for?”** she thought. Then it hit her, he knew her secret. She needed to stay wary of going ahead. 

When her feet touched the beige fuzzy carpet she felt at ease. Somehow back in the safe zone, where nobody could reach her. Taking her towel Cece made her way to the bathroom. Opening the windows and preparing the tub was the easy job, it was now time to look at her feet she had seen blood in the carpet. Her feet looked terrible almost like she had run barefoot through the woods. **“This is what I get for being such a hoe…”** she reprimanded herself. 

She hanged her camisole in the hook catching a glimpse of her naked body from the corner of her eye. She wore her childhood over her bare skin; the scars in her face, her chopped ear, hundreds of cuts, and stitches from darker times. Her complexion would make the tears pour from her eyes even if she ignored it. The relationship with her body was nothing but ironic. On the one hand, she could use her body as a means for an agency over her life, but on the other she despised it. Disgusted at her body Cecilia light up the joint as she got in the tub. 

Smoking she said to herself **“Knowing when to leave is important… the party, the job, the relationship”** Then her phone starting ringing, she grabbed it and tossed it to the other side of the room. She didn’t have time for anybody’s shit. 

Submerged under the water all the frustration left her body. The tears kept falling from her eyes, but there was something about her encounter with Cullen. Both attraction and fear, still a familiar look in his eye. Their interaction had reopened a wound she forgot once had hurt so much. **“You need to snap out of it,”** she said to herself staring at the mirror again. The slim figure scared by the past was the only thing she could never run away from. In the corner of the room, her phone kept ringing and she’d had enough of it. 

**“What?”** she answered the phone without even looking who was calling 

**“Well, someone’s got their knickers in a bunch…”** Cece recognized Dorian’s voice

**“I’m sorry… having a shitty evening”** she apologized

**“Then good thing I’m calling! Wanna go get high and do stupid shit around town?”**

**“Guessing that I probably won’t be able to blow you off, no pun intended, what time?”**

**“You’re my favorite thing ever Ce; you see I’m kind of outside your house…”**

**“Of course you are, creep… Give me 10 and I’ll be out.”**

**“Marvelous… Also, I’m with a friend. See you bitch.”** he said and hang up.

Running through the garden, the night breeze once again stroke her face. The moon had started peeking on the horizon and she could feel the goosebumps under her black hoodie. She climbed the wall and gracefully jumped to the other side. A black car with dark windows was parked beside the road. Walking towards it she could recognize Dorian but not the hunky silhouette next to him. The lights blinding her eyes she thought “I hope this is worth blowing off dinner with dad”. Pulled the handle and open the door. 


	4. The Devil Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After losing his temper, Cullen suffers a panic attack.

Cullen saw her disappear over the walls surrounding the state, leaving a sharp pain stroking his ego mostly. His hands shaking as he pushed himself to the driver’s seat, cold sweat dripping down his spine. Clutching to the steering wheel and finding his gaze in the review mirror, a single tear caressing his cheek. Why did he lose control so easily around her? It wasn’t fun for him, control was the only thing he had. 

In an instant, Cece had destroyed the control he’d been carefully building up around his rage and impulses. He could have any girl he wanted, why would Cecilia be any different? He had Vivienne and despite what everyone thought he didn’t care at all for her, she was just part of his carefully built routine. He wanted her because everyone else did too and he actually could have her. How could a stupid little elf disrupt his routine? 

Cullen had cheated on Vivienne before, probably ever since they started dating, and to be honest, he was sure she did too. It was something that kept Vivienne’s shackles around him imaginary because no matter how much she thought she controlled him, he was still actually his person. But he had underestimated the little brat Cecilia. What he’d deemed a simple infatuation became something bigger, a challenge.

On his screensaver *12 new text messages**10 missed calls*. The tingling on the back of his neck wouldn’t stop, he knew it was time for his pills. Still clutching to the steering wheel he looked at the golden house on the hill once more. The fence was tall, but not enough that he couldn’t reach it. “Should I have followed her?” he wondered for a second. Cullen then turned back into his senses and started the car. 

Driving fast next to the countryside, the radio blasted loud noises but his hazed mind was unable to make anything out of them. The cold sweat on his forehead and his tingling face, Cullen kept ignoring the never-ending vibration of his phone. The destination itself was uncertain, there was only one thing and one thing only he wanted then, lyrium. It had been two years since he’d been to rehab, and he’d managed to stay clean thus far. But today, Cece had stirred up all the same feelings lyrium would. Both the physical and the mental yearn for invisibility. The urge to pursue something he wanted yet couldn’t understand why. 

That’s why routine was so important to him, it was the only thing to ever keep him sober. Adhering to what was known was important. Vivienne was one of these reasons why he’d been able to stay sober for so long, even if she was a bitch. He couldn’t stop a scream from his gut coming out, he needed to binge. He needed to ease these feelings. He needed to vent. 

Who the fuck did she think she was? Fuck her! Fuck that little Cecilia. He was much better than her, she was just a phony while he’d been able to climb up the latter of odds against him. He was in control of his demons and she was only the key to unleash them all again. While Vivienne kept his mind in check, Cecilia was possibly a firecracker to his eardrum.

Looking up he realized he was outside his dorm, how the fuck had he gotten there? A complete blackout while driving was very dangerous, but he was still sweating profusely. That’s when the shortness of breath began, but at least he hadn’t given in at least just yet. *20 new text messages* *45 missed calls* *3 new emails* “ _Why to even bothered to stop emailing at three?_ ” he thought missing the point, they had been looking for him. 

_*_ **_Incoming Call*_ **

“ **Hey Baby…** ” he mumbled

“ **Where the fuck have you been Cullen?** ” Vivienne yelling on the other side “ **I’ve been worried sick, first you fucking disappear after class and then fuck off for hours… We had plans tonight!** ”

“ **I’m… I’m sorry** ” he stuttered “ **I’m… I’m having a panic attack…** ”

“ **Where are you?!** ” she cried from the other side of the phone

“ **Do…Doo…Dorm…** ” he managed to spit out

“ **Breath… I’m coming…** ” 

He then passed out. 


End file.
